He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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