He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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