see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
