I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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