so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
