Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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