I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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