how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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