My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
