I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she smelled like a LAN party
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
