i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
