Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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