I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
