if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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