Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
