tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize