I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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