Reggie can tackle my bush.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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