On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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