I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
