My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
