Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
