How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize