i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
