Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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