Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
not ubering you a puppy
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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