did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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