At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
