first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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