I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Are we still banned from the library?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
