he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
