my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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