Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize