broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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