who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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