she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
