you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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