There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
