If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
