I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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