Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
