omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
