i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I will pee on everything he values.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
They took my balls.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize