Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
