you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
