You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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