and she was petting her beer can
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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