so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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