I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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