So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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