She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
