i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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