So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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