my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just invented taco cereal.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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