I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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