Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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