So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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