he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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