found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My bed smells like the plague
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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